I had a lovely christmas with my nearby family, and twinkling trees, food and chattering children and all documented by my new pink camera, which I love.
As soon as Boxing day was over, despite my Mothers protests of it being unlucky I had my decorations down; I was looking toward a new year after depression set in at the end of last. I also thought id take advantage of my Son & friends still being off college to put them back in the loft for me.
As usual, the ships honked at midnight as fireworks lit up the skies in an array of colours on New years eve, as I watched and listened alone. My Son is an average teenager and went out with his mates, and it`s a time when as a single woman again I felt that loneliness of not having someone to share the new year and look ahead to a new one with.
I am on a dating site, but I expect nothing really, as I know my disability puts some off, though id rather not have them if that`s all they see. Plus, after a history of unhappy relationships, where I felt lonelier beside someone than I sometimes did alone; Where either physical or mental abuse prevailed and all cheated without exception, sadly. I now believe happy ever afters are for other people, but not for me; not in this lifetime anyway. I do still chat on the dating sight, and have made some interesting friends. The fort Knox around me now rarely lets anyone in too close though, and I am cautious and quickly retreat if something is said that shows signs of previous experiences. My head tells me that I shouldn`t let my past rule my future, but my last relationship breakdown was the icing on the cake, left me battle-scarred and devastated and some shrapnel still remains.
This year though is not about finding a relationship, it is about finding myself, building my life and gaining fitness and losing weight! So yesterday I started Zumba at the local village hall and when they did bits I couldn`t I lifted weights; It was fun and I ache today! lol. I workout at home too with Leannes wheelchair workout DVD, http://officialleanne.com/product.php?id=210 which has been a huge help over the last few years but the company is good in the group and i hope to get fitter then move up to the harder group if i can!