Giving up?

My car and also  my new wheelchair that I drive from, have both returned and are ready to lock together to drive. After months I got in the car. baring in mind since my last drive I had a bout of depression after the ex Husband and OW revelations, then went down with a chest infection and followed this with a broken leg; It`s been a while!

The lady who sits in with me is lovely and is only too happy to help but is quite a dominant pushy personality, which she is quite open to admit.

We went out locally, and though I was nervous beforehand, I was determined to do it. We set off about school out time and was to drive to her home, and I did well, despite her moving the goalposts and telling me to drive round a bit first. We got to her home, and had a cup of tea and a cake. I knew she was a widow but wasn`t aware that her Husband had died due to a head on collision when another car hit him, and she told me all about it. We left hers and though it is less than fifteen minutes away I had to pull over as I had a panic attack. It was awful and I had tried to ignore it, but knew I wasn`t really able to concentrate. My mouth was dry, heart pounding and felt as if I couldn`t catch my breath, really scary.

Each day since, the Lady has rung to go out again and `not give up` and to`Do  it as often as possible` to overcome it. That`s not how I work. I am an ex agorophobic and still have my safety mechanisms, and two of which are to feel I am in control and not to feel pressured. Sadly at the moment both are being compromised and I am feeling very anxious. I keep feeling that I should just give up the driving as it has gone on so long now. After many problems with Motability, the first year was wasted by the wrong hand controls and having them changed three times. I then broke down on a busy roundabout, the emergency button didn`t work and I couldn`t contact anyone. MY friend had a mobile and then the RAC didn`t know how to deal with a disabled person and had no appropriate vehicle to take me home in; So I was left in the vehicle for two hours with a impatient traffic que behind me.

It`s been a long hard slog and I don`t look forward to getting in my car anymore, and yet I was so excited, determined and enjoyed it when I first started and just don`t know what to do anymore.

I do know though that I need to start to look after myself again. When I broke my leg I got into some very bad habits, though understandably so. I lay in bed till late in the morning, this results in me missing breakfast, which leads to me snacking on crisps, etc, and I have ended up feeling tired and groggy because it disturbed my sleep pattern too and i`ve gained weight.

So I have started to do fitness tests on my wii, as my leg is still not healed yet and i can`t do anything too vigorous, and I aim to re-start my Tai chi for health of body and mind, so lets hope it works.

Romance?  My 33yr old friend and I are still corresponding and I was touched to receive: “It`s really nice to find someone who strings together a proper sentence, looks lovely and really interesting.” So who knows?

About Maith an cailin

Born in the 1960s, I`m a single Mum of a young adult. I am a full-time wheelchair user, who has been single since a marriage breakdown in 2008. I live in a UK remote village, not easy with a disability but this is a honest account of a ordinary Woman with a disability.
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