The last week of June was fun for six days, to many it wouldn`t seem much but as my life is pretty much groundhog day, to me it seemed busy.
Monday I saw a really nice Lady about my next OU course in October as I haven`t the money to pay over £400 and she was so helpful and told me that I would be eligible to help someone come with me on residential courses. Hopefully I will get the financial help and be able to do my course as i`m really looking forward to it after passing the counselling course.
Tuesday I went out to lunch locally and as it was a gorgeous day, I went in my pink electric wheels and took my little dog. She was originally my friends dog, but her marriage broke down and they both went into rented homes. My little dog still goes barmy when she see`s her, even though i`ve now had her over nine years.
We had a nice lunch, though I do miss my favourite pub which has had to close due to financial problems; they had more menu selection. It was a gorgeous day, a lovely catch up and it was a nice walk. Naturally I fussed over another dog there outside, she was big and huge!
Wednesday was so hot weather-wise, and it was off to specsavers with another Friend. It was quick and like a conveyer belt as I went from one person to the next, each doing something different. I was finally in for the test where my eyes were tested and I was finally left with the shock that I need varifocals and left feeling ancient and skint!
I am a recovering agorophobic, since I was eighteen years old. It first started when I had my first broken heart, and has continued on and off since then; I believe going to a `special` school and then `special` college till I was eighteen left the outside world and `normal` people a big scary world.
I recovered from Agoraphobia for my son the second time it fell on me, his Father was volatile and controlling. I had to get to court against his Father and I wanted to be able to take my Son nice places. I then met my ex and was able to take my Son on holiday and for days out, even to busy places, though sometimes I had to slink off sometimes.
Since the break up of my last marriage, (Not my Sons Father) together with the amount of time i`m stuck at home and all that has happened to me over the last few years it has crept up on me slowly but gaining strength. I was alright in Specsavers, though I was always conscious of it lurking. Subway was too much and I had to leave; Too many people, too busy and too much pressure. I do feel angry with myself as I overcame it twice, enough to go on holiday etc, but though it`s not as bad as when I first had it, (I never left my Mums home for two and a half years when I was eighteen) it is creeping up on me. I see it a bit like being a alcoholic, you can stop drinking but the cravings will always be with you.
So I have started to go to a befriending group once a month, it`s nice and small and it`s at a nice place here we can eat. Last week I got a lift in a convertible, I was well happy! lol. Some of the people suffer with depression and others I`m not so sure about, but they are all nice people and we chat about all sorts. I knew of the group already and contacted them after having no luck what so ever with getting counselling or any help at all.
However to use my experience for positivity, I have been asked to be a telephone befriender as I am unable to drive and visit, and i am over the moon to be asked and have accepted.
Friday was spent having my two young Nephews, the loves of my lives apart from my Son. I had the toddler over for lunch, though it was held up by the arrival of shopping, but we managed to play marbles and build a runway for them. After school his older brother arrived and they both had tea with me. The little `un went home tired and grumpy and the older one stayed for the evening and we played `Spores,` on the PC.
Saturday was another Family day; My Niece from London visited with her man and their new baby. The baby is gorgeous, my Mother was over the moon and I never love anything more that Family time. My Sister was there with my two young Nephews and it was wonderful.
The 33yr old and I are no longer in contact after it dwindled out, and the realisation that our two worlds are very different. He is very much always been the single man with no children, he works hard and plays hard and his money is spent on learning to ride to learn polo or going to the Tate gallery; Mine is spent on myself, my Son for food and necessities.
I have been one of millions and been reading `Shades of grey,` and can`t put it down. I don`t think it`s one of the best written books i`ve ever read, but I like its simplicity, and light heartedness. Of all the things I have realised, on a personal level, is that I have always gone for the fifty shades of f—-d up type of bloke, the vulnerable, messed up childhood ones. For me it started when I was 21, he was the Son of a famous folk guitarist and he swung from religion to drug taking promiscuity that ended with both myself and my then best friend pregnant. He used to say his parents didn`t think he was normal unless he smoked weed, and I was in awe of him.
This `saving` of men has continued ever since, I see something in them that makes them vulnerable beneath and it makes them attractive to me somehow, but it`s that fifty shades that eventually blows it all apart too.