Down. :-(

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

  I`ve been feeling down the last few days. I don`t know if it`s a direct response to my X-ray or just life in general getting me down. I think it`s the later.

  It`s all very well saying things like `be grateful for what you have,` I am, but id like a bit more.

 Then you get,` go out, meet people widen your circle of friends.`  Great advice but I chose to live in a village where people my age work and have families and the only ones to mingle are OAPs!

Sometimes Id like to move, but I have the tie of Family and there`s no saying that Id not end up isolated somewhere else, but without my Family as well.

  Some days I wish Id never moved here, but then Id not have had my Son and that is unthinkable.

 I wish id learnt to drive, but then that became too expensive and impractical.
I love my home, I see my Family most days, but it`s groundhog day, each and every day and I get lonely quite a lot. That`s hard for me to admit as I have always been a strong, independent person, but it`s true.

 These days I barely see anyone, and only a couple of friends telephone me regularly. We live in a world now where our lives are lived out on computers and the tone of voice and laughter is lost.

  It may seem a long time, but really being in a wheelchair fulltime has only been a short time for me.

 (18yrs)  I could still walk a bit in the early 2000`s and It is only because of this leg that I can`t anymore. So for me, someone who used to be able to walk my dog, jump on and off buses, go to the loo upstairs at friends houses, etc just like everyone else, this is still frustrating and humiliating at times.

  I lead a very active life before this. I`ve lived various places across the South coast, sofa surfed a great deal and had a full life, doing many adventures that I should and shouldn`t have, I never let my disability get in my way. I had my Fathers spirit of Itchy feet and was constantly on the move throughout my teens and twenties, until I had my Son at twenty-nine.

  I still miss the hustle and bustle of having a family, I wish I had appreciated it more, though it was hard at times.  I know I can`t change that now, empty nest syndrome, but the void is still there.

 My Son leads his own life under my roof, and I only see him when he`s enquiring about food, lol.

  At the moment, everything seems the same and I don`t know how to get more from life; Money is tight, opportunities low and I am tired of always having to try so hard with everything in life.

  I do try to be philosophical and I do believe that everything happens for a reason, even if we don`t understand it.  I just want something good to happen for a change, to lose this lonely feeling and be able to smile on the inside as well as the outside.