More matter for a May morning.
William Shakespeare, Source: Twelfth Night, or, What You Will (Fabian at III, iv)
Yesterday I focused on my experiences of mental health through my own life, studies and also as a be-friender, but today is more personal and life in general.
Where to start, it`s been a funny old month, lol.
I am in the process of trying to get my Ex-Husband to pay some spousal maintenance as I have a three bedroom property and wouldn`t have but for his Son spending so much time with me for almost 8 yrs. I don`t wish to move away from my safety network and nearby family for a two bedroom home elsewhere and now have to lose benefits to pay for council tax, etc. However my decision has understandably left bad feeling and anger.
I had a rather nasty and upsetting e-mail from my Ex-stepson. In this e-mail I was accused of being selfish and greedy with lines such as: “you may still be sitting there feeling sorry for yourself and luckily have the time on your hands to sit and think of more unexplained and just spiteful actions towards dad. but not only does it affect dad it affect’s everyone else involved in his life, and you have given numerous amounts of examples on how you simply only care for yourself, that’s fine as long you can live with that but i must ask as it is just to hard for a logical person to understand why suddenly have now decided to these legal actions.”
Reading through it I can see a lot of what he wrote is regurgitated from his Fathers rant, most probably over the telephone. I was told in no uncertain terms that he no longer wanted any part of me and it ended any relationship we had left. However, even on explaining about the bedroom tax and how it effects me it was irrelevant to his feelings on me: “to be honest me and dad haven’t been a part of the house or your life for a while now so in relation to this we have nothing to do with the house. and about you trying your home in all honesty and reality it has nothing to do with me or dad. i understand everyone try’s to keep there head above water but circumstances aren’t always perfect and sometimes things don’t go to plan.” It just made me realize that the years where I gave my all are all lost and gone, and history is merely where I am, even to a boy that I put to bed at night, made Santa a magical experience and so on. It left me ready to drop the reigns and realize I was holding on to something long gone. He`s a teenager who doesn`t know or understand all that went on before and so I can`t remain angry with him, merely hurt as I was often there at times his parents let him down.
My going to court was never about revenge or attack, it is merely a matter of survival against a government that has left us running scared.
Then came the texts whilst at his work from the Ex wanting to `meet up to talk,` and then the pitiful phone-call when the girlfriend was at work. The endless whining, ummming and ahhhhing whilst saying he had no money, his `finances are a mess` her `finances are even worse` they have no money, not even a land-line or internet. He couldn`t even manage £100 a month, but `feels for me` about the bedroom/council tax. He is on a good wage and his Gf on top wage and all I am asking is £100 pcm to help me keep my home and so I shall proceed. He`ll continue to believe it`s the act of a scorned woman and I`ll continue to try and keep my dignity at another tough time.
Here I was X-rayed (Or should that be diagnostic imaged?) and then saw the really nice Mr Peter Calder. I was shown my X-ray, clearly showing my fractured leg.
The reality of seeing it close up and hearing the pros and cons basically left me a hare in the headlights. Mr Calder stated that as a child our bones are like cheese, but as adults they become like chalk. I could have it fixed, this procedure would be without guarantee. The femur muscles would be cut along to gain access to the bone. The pins removed from the upper and lower femur fractured bone. The ends filed straight and re-connected and re-pinned, then stapled together as the bones are less likely to regrow together. The risk of infection etc has to be considered and I have three months to decide whether to go for it or not. I until then have to keep a diary two weeks now and again two weeks before returning for pain comparison and another X-ray.
It was strange being back and so near to my Family on a nearby estate outside London. I missed my Granddad, who was born in Holloway, (Not the prison, lol) and often took me to the Hospitals. He`d been a St Johns Ambulance driver since his late teens to retirement and then continued to drive as a volunteer driver. He`d often use his uniform to visit me out of hours when I was a patient at Stanmore and I cherished those moments. He was very much in my thoughts this day to Bolsover Street. This week also saw the birthday of my Dad. Id already sent him his present, knowing he`d never wait till the day before opening it, lol. He now has all three DVDs of the `Spartacus` series, as he loves history, especially the blokey type of history. He`s not in the best of health after a life of excess and is now paying for it, but he`s had a great life, what he can remember of it! (Jeremy Kyle would have a field day with him, lmao.)
I have been dating and went on one this week in fact. We met local to me as he is from the county I live in. He was quite sweet but my intuition kicked in almost immedietly as I listened to him talk. I felt it was more than nerves as he calmed down and continued to talk. We had previously texted and e-mailed but I understood he only worked part time as his parent was in need of a great deal of care due to ill health, so money was an issue to him. As the date continued he spoke only of his families history, including dates and facts. If he spoke of places he`d been or things he`d done, again he could recall the exact date and socially he was almost childlike at times, despite having three Sons himself. I felt he had a form of mild autism. He didn`t surprise me when he texted later on and mentioned his eldest Son has Aspergers. I asked if it was in his Family and he confirmed that he`d wondered about himself. In the past I may have seen him again but i`m at a time in my life that I don`t feel able to cope with any less than someone that will look after me too but shall remain his friend.
I feel hypercritical and guilty as I have links with Aspergers and Autism through family and friends but just feel unable to take on someone that may turn out unable to cope at times or get in a tizz when things don`t go to plan. 😦 My Son has ADHD and can be similar with his mood swings, logical but unorganized manner and for now that`s enough.
Whilst I was on this date, I had a text from the guy I wrote about on April the 5th. He wants to stay in touch despite coming off the dating site and wants to meet up and knows they`ll be no nookie, lol. So we arranged to meet the day after the above date. He didn`t turn up due to being too far to drive after knocking off his driving job later than expected due to traffic. He maintains that he has his `heart set on meeting` me and that he lives alone apart from some fish. I do wonder though as he never texts or answers texts in the evening?
I`m still trying to lose weight and have gone from 45 to 42Kgs on the scales and I`m happy about that, but have lost my mojo at present and need to get back on it as I feel better throughout if I eat, workout and Tai chi.