Loneliness is my least favorite thing about life. The thing that I’m most worried about is just being alone without anybody to care for or someone who will care for me.
I am having one of those days where everything is the same, and I just want out! There`s a fete nearby, the same fete that happens every year. The same fete I used to take my Son to when he was little. The same fete I used to visit for years on end with neighbours, Family, Exs and children. The same fete I`ve not attended for the last few years because my Son is all grown, the neighbours moved away and my Family has Family of their own and I am now single again. I could go alone but there`s no fun in that really and we live in a place where everyone knows everyone and Families have been here since time began.
Sometimes we just have to go along with the feelings we feel, not over analyze them just feel them. I had a message this morning online from a friend telling me to: `During these quiet periods it`s time to get ya plans together!` If she really knew me then she would realize that I have been doing that for four years. I tried to learn to drive, I am studying towards a degree and am a volunteer and I do it all alone.
My friend has had her own fair share of problems but has this abominable spirit that never keeps her down, she just jumps in her car and goes for it! I used to be like that, would still like to be that person, but I`m never sure if it is my physical or mental limitations that now trap me.
I am not a `victim` but I have learnt the hard way for my impulsive youth, and I rarely came out of it unscathed, though I wouldn`t change any of it, it is part of who I am now. The who I am now though needs to grow in strength, and regain some of that fearless and impulsive zest for life without the `what ifs,` as they are stopping me from grabbing life by the horns.
Today though I feel trapped, lonely and that my life is one monotonous hamster wheel that turns but gets nowhere, and so I am going to wallow and soak it up. It can get hard sometimes trying to stay positive, look for the upside to everything, to constantly be philosophical about the hardships of life and sometimes it just takes a little wallow in self pity to put things in perspective.
I do still date online, and no I`ve not met anyone yet. I could have had the chance but I just didn`t feel he and I had anything in common. He was very keen, too keen at times but conversation was limited and I want a man that I can have a good conversation with, as well as fun and laughter. I do get men chat to me, and sometimes it goes on for months, or even years but either I stop or they do and the reasons are always valid, IE: distance or compatibility, etc. I was asked this week what it`s like to have sex in my wheelchair? As ive never done it, I wouldn`t know!
I do get disheartened by it all. I am determined to meet my Mr Right but maybe my standards are too high now as I am still afraid of being used or hurt again. However I refuse to settle for someone just because I get lonely sometimes.
Time will tell and hopefully he`ll find me or I him and this time it`ll be good and for keeps.
Writing this blog is a great help, I can get it all out, think about it all while I type, put it in some perspective and then leave it here and move on.