I`m feeling a little angry and frustrated with myself at the moment, and as Democritus once said: `Do not trust all men, but men of worth; the former course is silly, the latter a mark of prudence.` However, I`m finding that I trust NO men, even the ones that do all the running and seem genuine.
I find that in my head I question everything, and seek hidden agendas, or think myself out of why they wouldn`t do for me.
They could be willing to drive for miles/hours to come on a date with me, but I presume they`ll expect sex and the mere fact they are making all that effort feels like a presssure to me. I do talk to them and establish what they do or don`t want, and they say it`s not sex, I just don`t believe a man would drive all that way for less!
I am damaged goods, even I can see that now, and I don`t want to be this way but I no longer seem able to change. I am not just talking online dating here, even when out, if a man starts chatting to me, unless I know he`s gay or has a partner, I feel uncomfortable and want to move away.
I do rationalise it, and I know why I am this way. My last relationship was the final straw where trust and men divided in my world. After four years though, I would expect to start seeing things with more positivity, as I do want to meet someone new. I have been over my ex for some time now, and I miss the company of a man.
However, trust is something I can`t get beyond and I do feel they would have to be a very rare man and an extremely patient one too.
I can sadly say that I have never had a truly good relationship, not one where I truly felt loved or one where I didn`t have to work for it. I have been cheated on in 99% of my relationships; Not been introduced to family & Friends in more than one; I have been physically abused in one marriage; mentally abused in another relationship; Left for other women and lost babies a long the way.
I have had casual sex in the past but it only made me feel worse about myself, though I thought it would be nice to be wanted. I now realise some men would travel miles to have sex with an inflatable doll if need be, you don`t have to be a person!
I have only loved three (out of five) of the long term relationships I have had, but I truly loved them, and they devastated my world when they left me. I was eighteen the first time and he was my first love, so heartbreak is to be expected and I smile at that.
The second time I was twenty-one, he was tall, dark and handsome and introduced me to sex, drugs and heartbreak in more ways than one. He got myself and my then best friend pregnant and left us both to it for the love of drugs and freedom . (My little one didn`t make it and hers, I was a live in Nanny to for nine months, but he was adopted a few years after.)
I didn`t marry for love the first time, he was much older and and I sought security, but he was a womanising bully and I was glad it was over after four years.
My Sons Father was re-bound after my marriage and he was a mentally abusive bully, but I was blessed with my Son and so I found love in that way.
I loved my last husband but with hindsight I see a lot of things that I had pushed aside over the years and don`t believe it was love for him or that he was ever faithful. When he left me for his pregnant OW I saw him for what he really was and that was a long and painful journey.
So now, here I am. I want to meet Mr Right-for-me but I`m not sure I have it to give anymore because every word, every action I find impossible to trust or believe.
I wonder, that if I`m like this outside of a relationship, how on earth would I ever cope in one? Would I think they were out meeting other women every time they went out? Would I feel ugly, unworthy in bed and out? Could I ever change? Would I ever be able to give the real me to anyone ever again? I just don`t know anymore.
The fact I am disabled never used to feature in my psych when I was younger. Obviously I was aware of it, sometimes self conscious of it but it never stopped me meeting men or having sex or living my life to the full. Over the years though, my self image has been chipped away and together with that I am now in a wheelchair full-time.
So where to go from here? I know that there are good men out there, but I don`t believe they`d want me. My rationale tells me I tend to go for the wounded souls, the type I can nurture or the bad boys like my own Father as they were more exciting and unpredictable. Look where that`s got me?
The dating site has been good and bad in making me understand myself, because I see all these fears and cold feet rising whenever a date is mentioned. I am certain that I have rejected some good men, simply because I think myself out of trusting them.
I do my best to see every person as an individual but once my toes start to freeze the rest soon follows regardless of how hard I try not to.
I`m at a crossroads, It`s been four years, I don`t want to be typing this in another four years, I`m not getting any younger, as the bags under my eyes are proving, (Grey hair disguised by hair colour!)
I need a strong, good man to show me that real men can be kind, patient and loyal but first I need to iron out some wrinkles in myself first. I have issues and they run deep and somehow I need to find a way to overcome them.
I have always been the giver in my relationships, I always sacrificed my own needs to look after theirs and though I`m not always easy, (Irish temper if pushed) I have never betrayed anyone’s trust, and I gave them all my love & trust.
I won`t give up, but I won`t try over hard either, what will be, will be. Now I am more certain that it is what I want, I can start working on what I need within myself. So one of these days, queue Olly!