I am a huge believer in stillness, especially as I get older as it is often the way to divert from stress. Maybe growing up half at home, half on a Hospital ward taught me the gift of being able to disappear into my own world and divert from the noise and business around me as I remember doing it often. Today is one such day, a day of peace & stillness.
As I sit and type this, I can hear the birds singing in the garden and the wind blowing, though I ought to be hitting the books instead whilst I dog sit for my Mothers Terrier.
My Mother has a disability of her own, different to mine, and she`s gone to one of their meets, which she loves; It does her the world of good. For all my childhood I remember her being unsteady on her feet and accident prone; I remember being very young when I taught myself to go up and down the stairs on my bum, because I didn`t feel safe with her carrying me, as she`d bounce from wall to wall. At the grand age of sixty, she was finally told she had a form of Ataxia, and she`s flourished since then, as now when people accuse her of being drunk she can say: “well actually………..”
She has had some awful experiences due to her disability, as she`ll often fall without reason, and if out it can be very humiliating for her. She fell off the bus once as she boarded it and a gaggle of teenagers stood and laughed, no-one offered help, and she`s never been on a bus since. She recently fell outside the local shop as she tied her dog to the post, and though people kindly helped her up, she was so embarrassed that it took days before she mustered up the courage to return.
I am still studying. I`ve not really enjoyed this course as much and struggled to get motivated with it all. At first it tapped into my own self, and I found myself over analysing why I felt or did things, but once I got over that I just found it boring. This is a counselling course, and though it has elements of psychology, it is based upon sadness and fear. Though there are forums on the OU site I prefer to find a less formal one connected to the course on Facebook, I find people more relaxed and honest, it`s a great way to not feel as though you`re drowning alone on a bad day. As I sit here, in my Mothers home with the dog, I am also working on research methods such as PSYCHLOPS and CORE-OM, and I ought to get back to it!
Today(3rd October 2013) I attended my local hospital. It took an hour to get through the local traffic and road works, on what should have been a 26 minute journey! It poured with rain and lucky for us we found a parking bay quite quickly in the Hospital car park which is a rarity.
For quite some time now I have felt constantly tired. I put it down to depression, lack of sleep, anaemia, periods or any other reason I could think of, and to some extent I expect there is an element of all of them, but not the whole reason. I wake often but most particularly in the early hours around 4 am. I find it difficult to concentrate and am forgetful because I feel tired, even when I wake in the mornings, even when I think ive had a good nights sleep. Recently my younger brother told me that he has a mask at night as he has sleep apnoea as did his middle Son as a baby, as this condition is often passed in families. Both my brother & I are asthmatics and suffer with sinus problems, so with this information in mind I went off to my local Drs armed with these similarities and a Hospital appointment was made.
Should be fun! *Giggles quietly to herself*
I`m hoping it`s not sleep apnoea to be honest, as life is hard enough, and when it comes to dating I already have to confess to being disabled, then I have to confess about anxieties in busy loud places, so without having to say as well: ` Actually I also sleep with this rather unsexy oxygen mask on at night!” I may as well just consider myself eternally single at that point!
Last night, covered in wires and a lit up red finger like ET, and a flashing box on my sternum wasn`t easy, but together with lightening which scares me enough to hide under my duvet, sleep took a while. I lay there very conscious of my breathing which I`m convinced made it more shallow from stress, until I finally drifted off.
My bedroom lit up various times, and id jump and anticipate the next. As a child I didn`t fear lightening, and it only really started in my teens. Before I left the estate I grew on near London a house had had it`s chimney knocked off. Then in the West Country where I studied, I was told of a girl who was killed by lightening on a cricket field nearby. Recently where I live now, a home was hit and caught fire leaving their roof with a gaping hole and all their possessions lost.
I was outside the front of my home this evening, Id had my ten year old nephew over for tea. I like to spend time with him as I don`t see him a lot during term time. It was nearly time for him to go home and I was watching him on his BMX. The light was Dusk and the sky was a gorgeous blend of reds, yellows and blues as the light faded. Then suddenly I spotted a bat, which is not uncommon where I live, I showed my nephew. It was the first time he`d seen one and he was really pleased, bless him. I love to watch Pipistrelles fly in their erratic flutters while swooping to catch the insects they hunt, but you have to catch that right time or it`s soon over and they`re back in their roost. I intend to get a bat box and hopefully encourage them as they often get low in numbers due to changes in farmland, woodlands and urban housing.
My Son has his Girlfriend staying over this weekend and her dog, and hopefully take out and a good film all together! I also have Nephew number two coming round in the afternoon to spend time together as he too now goes to school and we don`t see each other very often. So Family time, ever lovely and ever precious!