October is a busy birthday month in our Family; So much cake, candles and presents, but most of all love!
My birthday was celebrated with my closest family around me, being spoilt like I was still a child and blowing out candles with our youngest members. I got some lovely presents and the little things like cards mean to me all the people that care about me.
My Lad was twenty this month too, and for once spent it quietly, having already been to two gigs in the previous week. I lay the table, blew up balloons and spoilt him as if he was still a little boy and he smiles at me loving it but amused that I still do it, lol.
His girlfriend of five years stayed with us and joined with the Family celebrations and spoilt both me and my Son with gifts. They are a credit to themselves and a lot of older couples could learn a thing or two from their example, having been together since ages 15 & 16 and overcoming hurdles as the years have passed.
I struggled to get my head round the fact my child is no longer a teenager and that I am now in my late forties, it was a mixed emotion this year.
I`ve never really worried about age or even felt it, as I`ve always felt younger and it`s never been an issue. This year that number on paper and scroll downs really gets to me as I know that society will now see me differently and I feel giving your age should be optional. I think if people didn`t know and you forgot yourself, that everyone would just get on in life and half of societies problems would be minimalism as age is what everyone’s based on.
October the 15th is Baby loss awareness day, a day where candles are lit at seven pm around the world. I had bought a Chinese lantern and together with my son and his friend it was set to the sky for my three losses of 26, 20 and ten years ago, plus a little Nephew born sleeping in 2010.
Only one thing now tarnishes my birthday a little, and also follows the day after baby loss is that my Ex-husband sits down and sings Happy birthday to his little boy conceived nine months after our wedding day.
Yesterday the world was a light,
Candles sent love to Angel babies.
That love felt with force united,
Yet a pain forever felt, each alone.
As I lay in the darkness, reflecting,
The orange glow of loss flickered.
Warm and welcoming to watch,
Akin to the womb once forsaken,
Rumination led me astray,
You entered my sadness sphere.
You with your `Happy birthdays, `
Candles and cakes, party presents,
The loving devoted Daddy today;
Four little flickers for his four years,
Conceived nine months after vows;
You stood, placed a ring on a finger,
And abandoned ship in six months,
Filling another’s womb in three ensue,
Not for you the desolate loneliness,
Exchanging one family for new,
Creating fresh, a warm bed to reside
And our forgotten Angel long lost.
Arms forever empty, I lay alone,
Ten years fast passed, no giggles,
No bedtime stories to read at dusk,
No rainbow baby followed later.
Your coldness, talk of termination,
Determined I remained safe in bed.
Eleven weeks I loved my little Angel,
And age left a last chance vanished.