It`s now Autumn here in the UK, and the weather has been causing some news coverage with high winds, floods and sadly some deaths too, though nothing on the scale of the poor people in the Philippines.
I have started a new course towards my Psychology degree, this one is a level two and very interesting and I really feel that I now have a genuine understanding of the subject, though still struggle with the essay writing. Having been a published poet in the past and very into creative writing, I got used to a certain way of writing, freestyle I guess in a way; to write for a course is far more structured and with facts only,citations, references, etc I can be guilty of overwriting and always need to strip it down before submitting it and making sure I`ve stuck to ONLY the question asked!
I`ve also been watching a programme called `Bedlam,` it is filmed at and around the patients of The Bethlem Royal Hospital is a psychiatric hospital in Beckenham, South East London. Bethlem Royal Hospital is part of the South London and Maudsley NHS Foundation Trust (SLaM). It`s been a interesting and informative programme to watch, not only for my studies but also for my voluntary work and myself at times. Last night I watched one of the episodes, it was based around anxiety, something I`ve been experiencing myself of late with panic attacks happening more lately, something i`d pretty much put behind me. I suspect that the cause is an amalgamation of things recently.
I am still not sleeping well and I think the over tiredness plugs into how I feel in myself, physically and mentally. I keep meaning to get into a good routine but my twenty year old Son is himself a night owl insomniac and often disturbs me as we live in a bungalow. I have tried speaking to him but it is soon forgotten or to no avail. I have also had a constant back ache for about three weeks now, following a broken rib, and so that isn`t helping at all and I am hesitant in taking pain relief as I like to live as natural life as is possible in this day and age.
At this stage of events I do not see myself and my adult Son aged 20, living together this time next year as that part of a parent/child relationship where it is time to flee the nest or push your chick out has come; we`re just not getting along. As a Single Mother to an adult male child, he has reached the stage where he thinks he`s the man of the house and will often forget I exist or disregards my wishes, which ultimately ends in verbal disagreements and a bad atmosphere. With no real experience of running his own home, or even his own life, he has no understanding of what I am trying to convey to him and he`ll mock or belittle my attempts to stress my point. He hasn`t the maturity to take responsibility for his own wrong doings; I believe that is partly my own doing as I let him get away with too much and made excuses for his behaviour when younger to compensate for the abuse he experienced at the hands of his Father. He can be a Jekyll and Hyde character, and money is like sand through his fingers and it has come to the point where I now make him do his own washing and have told him to get his own shopping as he`s constantly `owing` me the weekly food money or he promises to give it to me but when the time comes, he doesn`t `have it all.` Typical of his age, he`s up all night, asleep more of the day and rarely goes out as he has no money. He`s applied for jobs but often doesn`t hear back or gets a `thanks but no thanks` reply and so we`re around each other 24.7 with a trail of his friends in and out too till all hours. I love my Son, but he can have the dominant arrogance of a young man that believes he`s in charge and I`m afraid he`s not! My consideration of him leaving home may shock some parents, but as his mother I don`t believe that I am doing him any favours in allowing him to continue being the perpetual child, and nor is living with his sometimes bully tactics doing me any good. I shan’t just throw him out, but I will enable him to take steps to take charge of his own life and move.
It is a worry though as the bedroom tax will then loom ever larger over me, as I will then have two spare rooms. I fully understand the fact that some families are crammed into one bedroom together while others have too many rooms and it is not right. However if you drive through many British towns you will see many boarded up unused homes that could be used or private homes standing empty as they are too expensive for many. (I believe that for every new housing project, built half should be private and half council to accommodate all) Many homes with unused bedrooms belong to the over 60s and they are exempt from the bedroom tax, despite still living in their family homes long after their children have flown; In contrast, the young with more than one child still living at home are expected to put them in one bedroom or pay for the second room, where`s the sense in that? I would consider moving into one of my neighbouring bungalows, but no further as I live near my mother and Sister and fear ending up isolated and alone. I would also consider taking a stranger into my home, baring in mind my Son will eventually move out in time anyway, but there should be a safety clause where people can request a disclosure from anyone that wishes to rent your room, after all I am a vulnerable adult in the respect I am disabled and unable to run away, especially at night once I am out of my wheelchair. (Not something the Government give much thought to or care about.)
Another event that made me realise that I needed to make my Son more independent and showed me how short life really can be, was the sad and sudden death of a friend who was the same age as myself.
Nothing is more of a reality check than learning a friend has gone forever but you still have their last conversations with them in your mobile messages. We had been friends for around twenty years, and shared baby loss, raising Sons and more recently marriage break ups. We had met up a few times over the last ten years where she met my Husband, Me hers and our Sons met too. (She was so proud of her boy and he is such a credit to her and her Husband, such a bright Lad and so like her in his looks.) She and I over the years had laughed together, commiserated together, girlie gossiped together and the last time I heard from her was mid October when she was feeling quite down and spoke of her Husband. I never condemned her husband to her or in general, as I don`t believe it is always easy for able bodied partners, our life has limitations, due to our limitations physically, and if we are unwell or unable to do much at certain times it is often left to them alone to cope; for them it must be very lonely and stressful at times, particularly for men that have to leave the male work environment too. Gladly she had started seeing and going out more with her estranged Husband from what I understand, and I hope she was finding happiness once again before she left us, as she loved him and her Son more than anyone, and I like to think that she passed happy and feeling secure once more. I already miss her and our chats together and she has left an imprint on me forever. I feel for her Son as Christmas without his Mum approaches, my heart goes out to him and their Family. RIP my friend.