Hello again, can you believe we`re already in another year? I never used to believe older people when I was young when they`d say that life seems to go faster the older you get.
2015 started as usual listening to the ships at midnight on the rivers and an array of fireworks around the sky. Id been with my Family earlier and by this time left them and my Son was down the pub. A time of reflection and looking ahead.
The year started with my disability money being changed to `Employment and support Allowance,` which I haven`t really calculated up as if i`m better or worse off yet, but the door is open to seeking employment.
There is a lot of television programmes on British channels at the moment about obese people, Large families having more children, so called `scroungers` on benefits. These obviously pick the stereotypical image of people`s attributions of the `Wayne & Waynetta Slob`s` for these programmes. There has been one or two that have irritated me, such as the obese that don`t even try to lose weight, but instead cost the NHS millions and have carers come in daily. I understand that it must seem like a massive undertaking when you are over 20 stone, but when you`re unable to walk far without being able to breath, wash or do every day tasks I can only image it would be worth doing.
However there are those, such as the single Mum of seven that made a good point when she said people would condemn her but the Fathers get away with no condemnation. I know this to be true as my Sons Father has got away with never working through my Son`s 21 years and beforehand, and thus never paid a penny. He is fit enough to haul in nets on his little fishing boat, (For his own pleasure) and travel round the country on his Vespa scooter, he claims to them not to be able to read or write and yet we met as penpals!
I don`t believe that growing up with an absent Father makes men any less Father material, both my Brothers are great Dads. If anything it has affected me more as a woman; I grew up not knowing how to interact, and share homely tasks with a partner, I am too independent. I put it down to watching a single Mother as I grew up, a woman that did it all alone.
I`ve never held it against my Dad, you`ll never find me on Jeremy Kyle berating him, though I was a little confused for a while. He is the epitome of a free spirit, and I admire that. Dad lived his life to the max, it made him a better man for it, he would do anything for anyone.
He was very young, nothing but a boy, when he left the shores of Eire, this left him open to the wrong people and easy prey to the wrong things. He married too young, and for the wrong reason, but at least he tried to do the right thing. From there his philosophy was to try everything and travel, and this he did; the drink was his demon and eventually took his health. A long the way he lost contact with his Family from home and now most are gone, that time can never be again. He wasn`t mature or equipped enough to be a Dad and karma came around and left him to grow old without a Family nearby.
I have never hated him for any of it. I see much of me in him, and often feel trapped myself, I miss the years I was free to do what I wanted, when and where, but for me being a Mum was my priority and now I am trapped by my physical/mental abilities.
My Lad has three months left on his apprenticeship, and is now worrying about them keeping him on and giving him a permanent position. He`s done himself proud since he`s been there and slowly I`ve seen him change into a man, more responsible, and less dependant. Occasionally I still have to put up with his bad days at work, but see the signs as soon as he enters the door and avoid him till he`s blown off some steam. He has told me that it`s sometimes hard to keep a lid on his spontaneity and thinking before he speaks, and feels like a corked bottle by the end of the day. He gets everything ready the night before, and I don`t see him stressing so much anymore; he was a Tasmanian devil when he first started! He`s a lot better at listening, though you can still see him lose interest if you talk too long, but his job is all about listening, so that`s been a good lesson. He is up and out for his bus without much fuss, something unheard of in his school days! I`m proud to watch him grow into the man he`s becoming. Id challenge Katie Hopkins the columnist to have watched my Son constantly trying to reign his impulsive nature in; the obvious strain at trying to keep a lid on what to him are natural behaviours. Slamming the mothers of children with ADHD, she tweeted: “Another expert comes out to say ADHD is not a diagnosis. It is a fabrication. The flood gates are open. Poor mothering is not a condition.” I agree that some things are over diagnosed, and some psychiatrists have stated that these things go in fashionable stages, such as the present Bi-polar: “A medical condition is a badge, absolving the wearer of any responsibility to deal with a problem, requiring in its place sympathy, compassion and support from the state.”
I can`t say that I was the best Mother and given another chance I would have done some things differently, but he was my first and only child, (the one we make our mistakes on before we learn) I was up against a lot of opposition, (His Father) and I knew nothing of ADHD or behavioural issues. My Sons Father also shows all the signs of ADHD and his parents basically left him to his own devices.. However whatever the cause, believed or not, my Son struggles with an impulsive, disorganized, low attention span and often hyperactive way of life that doesn`t conform with societies expectations of `the norm.` My pride as his parent comes from watching him learn to control them, without ever having had medication, until he walks in the front door where he can be himself again!
Study wise, not so good for me. The OU have withdrawn my financial support as there isn`t enough time to complete the amount of credits needed by 2017 when it ends. I am gutted, and can`t afford to take the student loan option to try as I`m afraid of the dept it may leave me in. I think the maths side of it defeated me at times, fracturing my leg didn`t help and also family commitments. I am incredibly disappointed in myself and feel defeated but I enjoyed learning the subject and gave it my best shot.
However, I have re-evaluated the situation, listened to my tarot, and have taken a stab in the dark and asked to change to my first love and do a BA (Honours) English Language and Literature. I managed to get a B in my GCSE English at school and a D in English lit, and that was with very little care at the age of sixteen. We shall see whether i`ll be accepted or not, but touch wood, fingers crossed and all that jazz.
I have signed up to be a telephone volunteer with a charity called `No panic,` where if accepted I will man the telephone for three hours of an evening during the week and hopefully be able to listen and support people.
Dating? Nope, despite a couple of offers of a date I declined, there were reasons that I didn`t feel they were for me.
A couple of odd ones too: One guy wanted to `move straight in` if we got on well on a date, to avoid a distance relationship. Needless to say I never went on that date either!
Second odd message was a guy that was into bondage and wanted to gag me with silk knickers and bind me! 50 shades of grey has a lot to answer for! lol
On a more positive note I chat away to a really nice bloke in the next town and have done for some months now. It`s not romantic and I don`t think he sees me as a potential, but he constantly reassures me that there are decent, good guys out there. He doesn`t do anything or say anything special, he is just normal! We get on so well that we message about our daily lives, problems, parents and so on, and it`s just nice……………..if you know what I mean?
I did go out with some friends recently and chatted away to a guy there that id only met once or twice before, such a lovely bloke. Nothing in it, but restores the spirit somewhat.