I have been feeling quite low, and as though my life is in a rut for a few months now. I often feel quite trapped by circumstances, health and finances. I`m not one to just give up, I try to get pro-active but saying that also feel as though I`ve always had to do that. So to cheer myself up I`ve decided to buy paint! Yep, you read that right, lol. I spend a good portion of my time at home, and I do love it here; often looking round and thinking how much I like my surroundings. Other times It feels like a prison or lonely, but I know from my dealings in my voluntary work that i`m not alone in these feelings. So to cheer myself I have decided to finally pull on my `Bridget Jones` knickers and think about decorating! Starting with my kitchen as a Celtic green colour as we have cream cupboards and grey tiles, I can`t wait to see how it turns out. Then the bathroom in Jasmine white! Then my private space in Plum, black and silver, which will mean re-painting my wardrobe doors too! My Mum has kindly bought me a gorgeous new duvet set and it`ll be a perfect place for me to chill. I`ve always loved the Gothic look and so this is my aim.
I`m sitting on the sofa with the cat and watching Ireland losing to Wales in the six nations; gutting. My Son and I are not getting a long at the moment, as he is a Jekyll and Hyde character. One moment he`s lovely and telling me i`m a great Mum, but these are far out weighed by comments to degrade, belittle and disrespect. I love my Son but throughout the years he hasn`t always been easy to like. I understand his behaviour is part of his ADHD and his childhood with the other parent and I have taken this into consideration. I always move on, accept the numerous apologises and let it go. However I am dealing with a man now, a Man that towers over me, a man that tries to rule the roost with no regard to my feelings or consideration. A man that totally overrules my requests with no respect for my feelings. However it is a form of abuse too, and not acceptable. Constant little comments about our home, my domestic skills and if anyone that did`t know our home would believe I was a hoarder with newspapers ect to the ceiling if you listened to him talk; the animals use it as a toilet! (None of which is true) He mocks me if I mishear, misunderstand or forget, as though I am infirm mentally. If I retaliate verbally I am met with laughter, mocking and told I am a `child.` He`ll get louder to drown me out and argue in a way that outsmarts you, even though you know you are not in the wrong to feel the way you do. He`ll often just move on and pretend nothing happened, other times apologise and then forget it, but quite often I`m blamed for what he has done himself, and any attempts at discussion will lead us back to square one. All these are diversions away from his own behaviours, so nothing is ever really solved. The thing is, despite years of this behaviour from his Father (for six years,) I could walk away from him and I did; you can`t walk away from your Son, though sometimes it`s tempting. It wears me down, I`m often tired, and sadly I sometimes feel more relaxed when he`s at work; I never know when an unprovoked verbal attack may happen, or if he`ll be fun, kind and a good conversation will ensue. I don`t know how to deal with it, I just know things need to change. My younger Sister heard him one morning shouting at me, and how he was speaking to me, and told him exactly what she felt.She has a strong commanding manner that is calm and eloquent when she speaks. He listened, was much better for a while but I knew it would never last. I don`t command respect, I do too much for him still. I cook a main meal, do his washing, drying, tidy after his slovenly ways and even his packed lunch. He`ll bring out piles of washing that has been strewn on his bedroom floor, and follows it with piles of dirty crockery, especially mugs and then dumps them in expectation of my doing them. He is very nocturnal and will be up and about making `bedtime sandwiches` at midnight and moving around; my bedroom is near the kitchen and my sleep is often broken and has been since he was a boy. One of our present disputes is him letting out the cats after Ive put them in the kitchen for the night, otherwise one of them wakes me up in the early hours mewwing at my door for food.I have stopped after many of his tantrums, but eventually re start, I don`t know why, but I know I should just let him get on with it, and he`d see for himself what he kicks against and takes for granted; is this how to gain respect? I have spoken to friends who say make him move out, but on an apprenticeships wage he couldn`t afford to and I wouldn`t wish a hostel on him, and fear the influences in those places. At the end of the day he is my Son, I love him, I just can`t live with his attitude towards me, but the love doesn`t go.
I do less and less, find myself avoiding him until I`ve weighed up his mood. All very sad when it is your child but I can`t live any other way until he is able to see the error of his ways or is ready to leave home. Life and other people will teach him to take a different path to how you speak to people, as I have heard him speak to friends in a manner that has made me cringe, but like me they dismiss it as they have known him a long time. His Father was very much of the same ilk, and my Son has his manner, tone and big personality, BUT he is NOT him, he has a kindness and the ability to change and empathies, and it is there that life that will draw these out, not me.