It`s been a while since my last blog. To be honest the death of my friend was a shock that stayed on my mind for a while, resulting in that I had a dry spell.
However, with time and a change to 2016, I started to look forward, and the word for 2016 is organization! Financially, Health wise and domestically, and to be honest, it`s not perfect yet, but is going well. I have lost 5lb in weight since December the 25th.
For Christmas I used any money I got and put it towards a Fitbit hr, and to be honest it has turned out to be a best buy. It keeps me focused, motivated and on track.
It`s a great leveller when you see how much you do do, or don`t do! Synced to my Fitnesspal, I log my food and do my best to stay active.
I do my cardio with the help of my Wii that my family bought for me a few years ago.
Then I do my Tai chi, which helps my mind, body and soul.
What it has shown me though is that I don`t sleep well, no more than five or six hours on average though, and often waking sometimes too.
Despite financially, not being straight since the festive season, I am keeping better tabs on what I have and haven`t spent.
I`ve always found that for me, being more organized results in less stress. Things don`t run away with me, and I feel more in control in general and things don`t run away with me.
I am still on the helpline, I do three shifts a week, which can be a tie at times. I always feel a guilt if I have to cancel, but sometimes to have a life I have to. Some days I get no calls, or just one or two but at the most I have had eleven in the three hours.
I have three or four `regulars` that I can recognise by their voice, and I know immediately what they`ll need. Some are frustrating as no matter how much you talk to them, and how much outside help they get, as in GPs, CBT, CPNs, etc, they continue to `yes, but………..?` While others get armed with all the facts, they learn about their problems and become warriors to overcome them.
The stories that affect me the most are the anxieties caused by life, the elderly that feel scared and alone after losing their spouse, often this is exasperated by failing health. Carers of elderly relatives or special needs children that are of all ages, they often have no respite from caring 24/7 or outside help from Family or support agency’s. One Mother of a special needs young adult told me that she doesn`t bother trying any more, as being passed around on the telephone often caused her more stress and with no positive outcome at the end.Those that have had health problems or have failing health resulting in less mobility or ability, often unable to do much more than sit in their homes, not eating correctly, or leaving their homes at all.
It has come to my realisation over the last few months that I am flawed, and it`s not a fault that I am proud of, but one I need to work on.
It`s quite simple, I continually rain on my own parade! I have tried to analyse it and all I can think of is that, because i`ve had so many knock backs, I now prepare myself for it, or that think people will think badly of me; I think it is why I am not comfortable in social situations outside of my network of friends too. I don`t know how to overcome it, but i`m working on it.
It came to light as I am in the process of gaining a assistance dog. Firstly they kept needing more information as in extreme cold weather I can`t go out due to asthma, and so they needed someone to train with the dog other than myself, but that has got complicated as it is 142miles/ 2 hours, 47 minutes away. I immediately got mentally defensive and so on.
My amazing friend has set up a fundraising page, as to get there I need to hire a WAV vehicle, stay for two weeks, eat, all for myself and my `carer,` etc will cost over £2000 and I just don`t have that sort of money. My local village has got involved, well meaning and kind people, but I don`t like the attention, feeling my dignity is being stripped away. The paper was contacted, I was interviewed and photographed, and I feel like I am begging, but is that my ego?
Sometimes I see my own flaws, I have fought so hard to be strong and independent against the odds, against my disability, against societies expectations, and other peoples, that I am too independent, too proud, and sometimes too strong to let anyone help me or even into my world. My Son gets frustrated because I want to do everything myself. I keep men at arms length because I fear them trying to control me, and I worry that people do things out of pity or self appraisal.
It has been a bit of a shock to be honest, to see myself from other points of views, my Son`s and two other people, the fact that I am more negative than I realised and defensive. I think I know why, so now I need to reverse it! Life is about self improvement!
I`ve been back to the Poetry evening, I do enjoy it but I do find myself smiling at the arty farty lot that over analyse and flower up the poems and poets. It takes me back to when I was a student and having work published. Then I used to have exhibitions of my poems and photography, and a book published, and there was always those that would approach me to tell me how they understood my words and what they meant. Of course it was from their perception and usually wrong.
The theme last month was Winter:
White skies, a blank sheet;
Emotionless bleak spread.
Only a sparse huddle of hungry birds bobbing,
on bare branches just budding.
Puppet string rain, silent in stealth,
Bestowing jewels to hang on webs,
left empty by the savage winter.
Biter, biting, drizzly dark,
Hangs stagnant, so still,
a lull waiting for spring.
The earth waits to wake,
It`s hidden gifts of rebirth.
Silent branches silhouetted,
Bathed in moonlight;
Reach up, pay homage,
To the red moon tonight.
White clouds peer below,
Like countries in the sky,
Shaped, alight, silent,
As though we`re upside down.
Glowing, his markings, a visage.
Mr Moon smiles bright;
Proud, as all around are
Dressed in red, he stands alone.
I don`t think WI is for me and I may stop going, despite the kindness of lifts and so on, but I`m still not sure, but I do think i`m more suited to the literature crowd.
There`s a history group re-starting, I think id quite like to go to that, but again it`s getting a lift there and home.