Helpliner. (Poem.)



You don`t know me,

 I`m a voice on the phone,

A number you chose to call,

 To share your deepest fears.

You call from a place of safety,

 Anonymous from your home,

A haven that`s a safe prison,

 Where rituals and habits rule.

You cry out your despair,

 Sob your sheer panic aloud;

You share your darkest secrets,

 Your life story pours out.

Sometimes you vent your anger,

 I am your target that day.

Venting your frustrations,

 We somehow find a different way.

You may ring to share fantasies,

 The off chance taken to thrill,

You`re redirected hastily,

 As your needs I simply distil.

You ring me in loneliness,

 Your solitude suffocating,

You`re one of my `regulars`,

Weeks have passed,

                           no one visiting;

You ruminate,

                                      building fears,

 Reaching fever pitch alone,

Your worst case scenarios,

 We crisis breath,

                          we talk,

 so you`re not alone.

You`re individuals,

                                                     each one,

 Separate lives,

                                           different seasons.

Sometimes a loved one phones,

 Unable to comprehend the reasons;

Their call as valuable as yours,

 They try to understand;

                                                    they want to,

They feel frustrated,

                                                    then guilt,

 They call as they love you.

I listen to you all,

                                               each person,



with empathy,

I focus on your words,

                                              between the lines,

 The unsaid deciphered silently.

I cherish your thank you`s,

  I Leave the line with a smile,

I helped you today,

                                        You praised me,

 I heard you relax,

                                              laugh even,

 It wasn`t easy,

                                                   but thank you!






Wednesday, 07 September 2016.




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‘How do you have sex?’

Hot chick

I haven’t mentioned dating recently in my blog, mainly because it hasn’t featured highly on my Richter scale, I have been too busy becoming part of my community and decorating my home room by room. Trying to meet Mr Perfect for me has been put to the back of the queue.

I have thought more about it recently, as the summer months are full of pictures of couples having fun on the net, out and about, on holiday and just being together. I will be honest, I miss the companionship of having someone to go out and about with without feeling a burden to friends. Someone just for me would be nice, after all it`s been seven years now.human potential

Also living with a young loved up couple that giggle, shower together and go out to wine & dine can often leave you feeling quite lonely and wishing you had something similar.

 love deserve

 I opened one dating site on the say of a new acquaintance that met her hubby on it, she told me to be patient. I didn`t bother trying to tell her that most people see the disability and move on……………………….wp-1470580447621.jpg

Scope believes that there is still a long way to go with research showing that only five per cent of Brits have ever asked a disabled person out on a romantic date: “We want people to relax and not let their assumptions about disability and sex get in the way of what could be an amazing connection with another person. The important thing is to focus on the person and the connection, not the impairment.” Right oppertunities

So, though I don`t really log in daily if I get any messages I will be notified if someone sends me a message. One such message appeared this week:

`Honesty can (but not always ) be the best policy. I do not have the strength of character to date someone in a chair. You will understand this is in no way meant to hurt.
You do look nice and at risk of sounding pervey you do look quite sexy but I think we are both looking for more then a few sexy sessions.
Good luck on here. I’m finding it awful. You can’t tell anything about anyone from a couple of pics and the odd paragraph can you.
Be good. `
Wheelchair love 10
This message made me smile mostly by its contradiction, he was telling me in one sentence that he hasn`t got  strength of character to date someone in a chair, which states he assumes id either be hard work to date, or id need caring for. Then he`s telling me that, You can’t tell anything about anyone from a couple of pics and the odd paragraph can you, which is exactly what he did! I-am-so-very-sorry-does-my-disability-make-you-fee

This is so common, id be good enough for sex but not a relationship. The other one is they are not bothered by my disability but they’ll message or text forever with no real intention of ever talking on the phone let alone meeting. Treated

I cant imagine what is going on in their imaginations to be honest, what do they think we need or want? They clearly believe we all need caring for or something, to one extent yes, partly as the world isn`t designed around us when were out, but at home, no in my case as at home i am fully independent. Things like housework may take me longer, but I get there in the end. I am in a wheelchair

 The favourite questions are: Can you have sex? How do you have sex? Mostly I answer this with, yes, but not with you, because if I don`t it leads into sex talk and them inviting themselves to try!


Mostly though, I just get viewed and passed by, this fascinates me as I’ve always had a disability, and this wasn`t  always a problem when I could walk, its amazing what difference a wheelchair makes! 
sexy wheelchair woman

I don`t want to be a killjoy,  it does work for some people:

Kate & bfKatie is a beautiful and vibrant redhead with a contagious smile and a noble demeanour. When her now-boyfriend saw her as a match on eHarmony, he liked her profile. Then, he realised she was in a wheelchair and, because he’s got the logical personality that comes with being an engineer for a living, he contemplated dating her for four days, doing research on her disability prior to writing to her. “I would be stupid not knowing this girl,” he said.

I myself met my second Husband on a dating site, but looking back I think it was based on just sex at first and that never really changed much, but for some reason it lasted seven years until we moved in together with our combined children and it was over. strength-quote

If you have a disability and decide to give online dating a try, follow these basic tips:

  • Get to know the person before meeting: If you are dating in a wheelchair, getting around may not be the easiest thing to do. When you are meeting up with someone you are interested in dating, make sure you have done an appropriate screen so you don’t show up only to be disappointed.

  • Pick an accessible meet-up place: When it’s time to meet, pick a place you know can accommodate and where you feel comfortable. You want to focus on getting to know your date, not on whether the environment is appropriate.

  • Be honest about your disability up front: Not everyone may be interested in dating someone with a disability – and you probably don’t want to waste your time with someone who may not be open to it. Weed out those people up front so you don’t have to worry about disappointment after the relationship begins to develop.

  • Don’t focus on your disability: If your date is only interested in talking about your disability, that probably means they aren’t interested in you as a person. Likewise, if all you do is talk about your limitations, it can hinder your ability to really get to know the other person and keep them from discovering your personality.

Inside im not different

So, If a message pings up on my phone, I will read it and answer. If I have a moment I will browse and may occasionally send a message, (Usually ignored) but I will say that i`ve met some good people over the years, and one or two have remained friends!


As for that elusive Prince, who knows? I`m not getting any younger though!


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Without a sense of caring, there can be no sense of community.

Friendship girls

Last May I went to West Sussex about having a Canine Partner.It was prompted by a local Blind Lady encouraging me, together with seeing assistance dogs at a disability conference a few years ago and the fact that my present dog is in her 16th year.

  It took a bit of organising but our local Good neighbours volunteers managed to find someone to drive and accompany me and with the social services paying the cost of fuel with by Direct Payments. 

Canine partners

The two days in West Sussex were great, and a real blast from the past, as i`d spent many years living  there. Being in the month of May, it was beautiful, the trees and flowers at their most vivid. The Lady that drove was already a partial friend, but became a good friend through this experience. I loved all the dogs, and though self conscious and shy I enjoyed the assessment. The staff and dogs are all amazing and even on that one day I learnt such a lot about what the dogs could do, their training and my needs. Canine partner 2

I was visited by a occupational therapist at my home and have now been on the waiting list since my assessment since last May. Here she looked round, assessed my needs, met my life and wrote it all down. Occupational-therapy

I  received a letter conforming that I was accepted and the wait was 18mths to two years while they found a suitable Pup for me and trained them towards me needs.

Canine partner 1

In the meantime I have to save the money to get there and stay for the two weeks training.

Piggy bank

Expenses have been worked out as follows:

Fuel  £377.50

Accomodation x 2 people for 14 days £700

Meals  £114

Mobility vehicle hire  £1,073

TOTAL  £2,262.50!


So, as id never have that money, especially since mine has kindly been cut. My best friend, the person I trust 100% to have my best interests at heart took on the task of raising the money. Real friends 3 No matter how many people tell me that I am not begging, it feels that way to me. By someone else taking the reins, it means that I can be involved as little or much as I choose to be, without being wheeled out in front of people for the ahhhhhhhh factor.

So a Crowdfunding page was opened, this raised £770, but closed on March the 18th as they have a limited life span. This morphed into a paypal account, which continued to be used and still does for any money raised, together with a Twitter and Facebook page! (She really was a busy Lady!)  Real friends

  This though was about the time it grew some wings and took on a life of its own and grew in momentum, it became a community project. Straight away someone from a local garage donated the first tank of petrol to get to the Canine Partners training;Paper people the local pub; good neighbours; the wife of a parish counsellor; a local band; friends far and wide in the county; all with this shared goal, it was all so heartwarming, It felt a bit surreal at times, but so welcoming to me. community-words

 It can often be quite hard for a person with a disability to feel accepted because of their differences, societies attributions, their own past experiences can crowd their own perceptions on whether they feel accepted or not, and of course the general layout of where they live can inhibit how much they can join in with local events, etc. strangers-are-just-friends

There was an evening arranged at my local pub, a band had volunteered to play for the evening for free, tickets were sold, raffle prizes given, a donation for snacks given and the word put out. 

 The night came and it was perfect in so many ways, and not all to do with the reason we were there. My closest friends came, some drove from an hour away, and others were staying with local friends as they lived a while away. I flitted from table to table, and enjoyed seeing them all in one room, and to be honest I felt so loved.

I was over the moon to see my family turn up as I wasnt sure they would, and it was nice to spend time with them outside of a family situation. My Son came, not for long as it really wasn`t his scene. He came in, spoke to a few people, sat down near me for a while and then left to chat to his girlfriend, but he had come!Anais Nin

 Seven years ago the village raised money for both my wheelchairs, but whether it was me or whether it was the situation but it felt so different. I had to make more personal appearances, thank people at several venues, etc, and I felt embarrassed, a loss of dignity and though I was being made to thank people as a child would. 

This experience has been free flowing, more natural and I have wanted genuinely to thank everyone, plus some, for their efforts, kindness and continued support and interest.meeting-new-friends So through these last few months I have met new people, got to know others better, and have started opening up a new world, and this is before I even have my new canine friend who will open even more doors with it`s arrival. I even have a new friend that will go dog walking with me when I get my dog!Make-New-Friends

  Now its just a matter of waiting for news of when a suitable Pup is found and ready and I am over half way up the waiting list. Canine Partners have had a few hold ups, in the shape of high enquiries, recently losing two members of their training staff, having a higher than usual fail rate in their dogs with behaviour or illness anda few of their brood bitches being withdraw due to health reasons, resulting in less Puppies.

  However they have placed 29 dogs this year so far and hope to have placed 84 by the end of 2016.

After the Pub fund raiser where over £600 was raised, someone anonymous kindly donated what was left to raise, a sum of £900 and now we have the full amount needed to get to the training centre in a hired WAV vehicle, pay for myself and my driver/carer for two weeks to stay and eat and any added costs. 

 To my bestie a huge thank you, and to all those that donated, big money or small, thank you, to those that came to support me, thank you and to those that stop me when Im out to ask if ive heard anything, thank you and to those that support me via the internet, thank you!

Thank you


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Money is a mechanism for control. David Korten.

Money waves goodbye    Disabled money wise I, like a lot of people have undergone a lot of changes, and not for the better.

Firstly is was my Severe disablement allowance which changed to Employment and Support Allowance. (Severe Disablement Allowance (SDA) was a United Kingdom state benefit intended for those below the state pension age who cannot work because of illness or disability. It was replaced by Incapacity Benefit in April 2001, which itself was replaced by Employment and Support Allowance.)

I kept hearing a lot of talk in the media about the Personal Independence Payment and how some people had lost their disability cars and through this their independence.

I have a friend who has done advocacy for years and she pre-warned of the cuts and the outcome for many disabled.

Despite all this I remained complacent and didn`t fear the changes, thinking that a lot must be scaremongering.

However by the time my letter came for a consultation with a health professional for Feb the 19th, I was by now slightly unnerved by the rapid surges of stories of the misery caused by these changes, these not only included loss of independence but deaths too.

I saw the ex nurse in my home, she was kind, patient and congruent, however I was afraid to move in case I seemed too independent; this in itself goes against everything I have ever tried to achieve in life. She left, but the worry didn`t. Invisible disabled

I have spent my entire life trying to prove to family, people I meet and new friends and lovers, that being disabled doesn`t mean being incapable, dependant, a burden, needy, a drain on society. Yet here I was feeling as though we were returning to the Victorian times.

Historic England`s site writes: The pull of the asylum and the workhouse was strong, but many thousands of people with disabilities stayed in their communities. The social investigator Henry Mayhew (1812-1887) described the disabled beggars of the London streets in 1862, including the “idiotic looking youth… shaking in every limb” and the “crab-like man without legs strapped to a board (who) walks upon his hands”.

Some disabled people prospered. James ‘deaf’ Burke (1809-1845), also known as ‘the deaf ‘un’, rose from poverty to become a world champion prize fighter. Henry Fawcett (1833-1884), blinded as a young man, became Postmaster-General in 1880; he introduced the parcel post and the postal order.`


I truly believe this is what we are returning to. disability crimes are on the rise because we are being made to look like we`re benefit scroungers or faking it.


So here we are. The letter came, and I was horrified to see we`re graded in two categories, Daily living and Mobility activities.  A list of things like preparing food, toilet needs, dressing and undressing, communication, etc, for these you get scored up to four for each and if a category was given  12 points then you get the enhanced rate, if you get lower as I did with 10, then you`re offered the standard rate. Cameron

Then to add insult to injury and blind me with science, they then paid me in the April only 139.75 for the month, without warning and with a sudden leap into my overdraft facility!

I now receive the standard rate of Daily living, with now means I`m now at a monthly rate of £124.88 less that I used to get, when I was told my DLA was for life as is my disability. 

I am now grossly overdrawn due to the sudden drop of money in April and the drop now in benefits, which according to the paperwork includes the `money we owe you and all future payments.` I rang in April about the huge drop in money that month as I feared for my bills and had spent as normal without realising, but was repeatedly told, `that`s the way it`s done.`atos-hammer-small

The Motability people sadly have a statement for all the people now in a position where they are losing their cars: DLA

The Motability scheme don`t only enable people to hire cars, but also power chairs, which is the difference between being in their homes 24/7 or being able to be out and part of their community. My own power chair was almost £6000, they are not cheap. 

Power chair

Its been gruelling, but its not over yet; I have appealed against the decision as im not a tick box, I am an individual. No two days are the same, I can be alright this morning but be on six weeks bedrest with a fracture by this evening. I was born this way, I`m not going to have a Lourdes recovery, in fact with age it well may become worse with the onset of Osteoporosis alongside my Osteogenesis.

Old disabled The elderly believe they are disabled, which to a degree they are but they are the primary voters that are exempt from bedroom tax, disability cuts or changes.Invictus

 The most recent talk are the Invictus games, a good cause but sadly over shadowing the Paralympics and the real problems faced by those not made disabled by heroic acts but by birth or life. Disabled population

 (Excuse writing changes, I cant correct them and dont know why it kept changing on it`s own, if you know please let me know, x)



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Most activism is brought about by us ordinary people. Patricia Hill Collins.

Herd mentality   -Friedrich-Nietzsche-Quotes

I am a Disabled, Vegetarian, anti trident, anti hunting, animal rescuing woman that only uses eco & non animal tested products in her home, that has tried to raise her Son to see what a strong, independent woman can achieve.Ghandi

I try to live by what I believe, but I don`t tend to dictate my values onto others, despite them being important to me.

Herd mentality 4

It shocks me though, the amount of venom I see amongst people on the internet aimed at others that don`t match their beliefs; their personal beliefs spat and used as ammunition to degrade and intimidate others.

Herd mentality  5

I have been disabled since my Mothers womb, although I know no different, I have only been a fulltime wheelchair for 22yrs. I have rarely felt the need to use my disability as a `get out of jail free card` and have never considered myself hard done by or hard up.

I once went to a Disability meeting in London, and left totally ashamed and embarrassed to be disabled after listening to a person`s able bodied relative being lambasted by the disabled there; It wasn`t positive for their cause. I have since been told by people that they`re afraid to hold doors open or help, after being verbally attacked when doing so by the disabled. (Even able bodied people have doors held open for them, i`ve seen it!) Notes left on cars with blue badges by other blue badge holders when they `don`t look disabled enough,` when in fact they may have an unseen disability. (I have been guilty of assuming in the past, but now hopefully know better.) Disabled parking note


I have been a vegetarian since I was 21, that`s a long time now, I have only lapsed when in a controlling relationship where I was subjected to humiliation for my beliefs, as soon as that was over I returned to not eating meat. I have a manner of reasons for choosing this way of life: All animals tremble

1, I don`t believe there is any kind way to kill another sentient being.

2, Mass production means animals are only seen as a commodity and not a living being.

3, I don`t believe we have a clue what drugs are fed or placed into animals to make them fatten up etc, and then these are consumed by those that eat them.

4, I don`t approve of the way these beings are kept from birth to death, separated from mothers, Killed for being the wrong sex, etc.

5, In the words of George bernard Shaw, `Animals are my friends, and I don`t eat my friends.`

6. I don`t understand why people cry and get upset about Dogs being eaten and can`t see the same about pigs, cows, lambs, etc. The Tesco horror about Horse meat was a classic example of that.

7. I believe my diet is healthier and brings about a better, more thought out lifestyle, I think about what I eat and the benefits outweigh any social inconvenience I have when eating out.

8. I am happy! Rabbit or Apple

I am happy to respect other people`s choices though, I don`t inflict mine and won`t say anything unless asked, because It is MY choice, not there`s.

I am on animal sites where I have obtained my battery hens or rescue animals and see the hatred directed at those that have rescued hens, etc but still choose to eat meat. I myself have been under attack for not going completely Vegan, and yet, at home I eat dairy free products such at margarine, milk, etc, it is only when out I choose not to expect others to buy soya milk just for me!Vegan oppression I respect my Son`s choice to eat meat, though we use separate frying pans, etc, and I know that has been frowned upon by some in the past, but just as I never chose his religion or clothes sense I also don`t choose his eating choices, they have to be his and come from the right place. His Girlfriend though HAS become vegetarian in the time they have been together and she`s been visiting here.

I speak for those with no voice

I have taken in rescue animals since I had my first home, dogs, cats, rats, mice, all sorts, even a owl that was hit by a car bumper, seagulls, a goose, so many. I used to volunteer with a rabbit rescue but soon realised that the woman I took the rabbits in for was letting the rescue place think she was doing it all herself, no mention of me! FB_IMG_1444815517500

I have always supported animal charities, not always financially, as that would cost a fortune but in Christmas cards, and putting the word out, but have often thought that they see every person interested in a animal as a potential wrong`un until proven otherwise. They can often give out the wrong signals because they see so much abuse, sometimes seeming hostile.



I first learnt about Nuclear bombs during my CSE Art exam where I did a black and white depiction of victims of a bomb and only the nuclear explosion was coloured, I got a B in this exam. My Art teacher was a typically travelled to India hippie type, and my favourite teacher because she taught us more than just the basic subjects. I loved listening to her travelling tales while we worked.

In Devon, at College, my electronics tutor was of a similar vein to my art teacher.My tutor refused to have a tele in his home, preferring to let his children lead a more natural lifestyle. He taught me pyrography and I made a wooden pendant with the CND sign on it, and had a anti trident poster on my wall in my room, amongst the latest pop idols, all because of listening to him talk.

With the recent activity of leaders chosen by media raised generations, for all the wrong reasons, I fear that Trident control is more necessary than ever. Even the fact that people accept so easily nuclear power with no fear of the dangers if anything goes wrong fills me with dread! hiroshima-shadows

Hiroshima should have been a lesson to us all, but nothing was learnt, and now Tridents are more powerful than ever, NOTHING would survive, so why are we so determined to defend them as deterrents against war? Stop the Trident

It is the same fear that keeps guns in peoples home for protection, where innocent children accidental shoot each other, and people shoot each other for the wrong reasons, or mass shootings happen! Can you imagine that same mentality let loose with a Trident?

I know the arguments for this, they come thick and fast, people rally for and against but to me it makes no logical sense to keep something in each and every country, they cost millions, where money could be spend on the good, for people rather than fear, death and destruction.

Nuclear Power-Free Countries

The growing list of countries pledging to phase out nuclear power:

  • Belgium
  • Denmark
  • Japan
  • Germany
  • Scotland (100% renewable by 2020)
  • Sweden
  • Switzerland

Countries which are no longer nuclear powered, or never were and have pledged to stay to that way:

  • Australia
  • Austria
  • Belize
  • Cambodia
  • Colombia
  • Costa Rica
  • Greece
  • Ireland
  • Italy
  • Latvia
  • Liechtenstein
  • Lithuania
  • Nepal
  • New Zealand
  • Peru
  • Spain

Would envy the dead

Enviroment Vs Money

As you probably know by now if you read my blog regularly, I follow a Pagan path. The earth, elements and nature are important to me. I quietly do my bit to help save our planet by not bringing anything into my home that poisons the water, kills the soil or harms anything living alongside us. I believe if we all chose to do this, we would be leaving not only a better planet for our children but a less material message to pass down. The prices would come down as eco and organic products cost more at the moment, and it would become the norm to show we care rather than `hippie` as it is seen now.

If organic products cost less more people would eat healthier by choice and convenience foods would not be the first option for struggling parents; obesity would also become less and so on.Instead we invest more money in wider ambulances, trolleys and the suchlike, costing millions and adapting homes for those already obese instead of educating them. Why do we always choose the less obvious option?

People become so militant about their beliefs, which I understand, and political correctness is one such subject where speaking the truth causes outcry and is seen as bullying, though some do go too far and refuse to back down in their passion, it`s a fine line. Bullying

All one race

Being Gay

Do marches work? Does shouting someone down make them listen, (it doesn`t seem to in the house of commons) does being passionate make you any more right? you-dont-need-religion-to-have-morals-if-you-cant-determine-right-from-wrong-then-you-lack-empathy-quote-1I don`t know but I know these people made the world listen, and they did it by example not conflict.

I like to stay quiet and just live by example. I am somebody


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“Dogs never bite me. Just humans.” ― Marilyn Monroe.


Dogs are better than humans

In my adult life I have had dogs, two I wasn`t able to keep due to circumstances out of my control at the time, and four I have had till their old age took them.


Dogs come into our hearts

I grew up with a dog, I loved her, she was my friend. I told her all my woes, chatted to her, lay on her when I was tired and sobbed my heart out when she was ill, suffering and had to be put down. The timing was as I left home to study across the country aged 17.

Do the right thing for the dog

Aged 21, I got a six week old Pup, she had her own `suitcase` as she came away to study with me by the sea. We walked miles on the beach, rain or shine and she`d snub me if I was drunk, which always made me smile. She slept on my bed, and had her own mind. Not the best trained dog as I didn`t really have a clue, but I loved her, she was my friend. We sofa surfed together and she was an old Lady when she passed away in my kitchen aged fourteen. Like many dog owners, I have kept the belongings that still keep her close to me and a marble headstone.
Dogs lives are too short

There`s been a couple of neighbours that have lost their dogs recently, one through old age, another through over kindness. Both owners devastated by their loss, their dogs a loved member of their family.

Dogs come into our hearts

One owner, an elderly man. His dog had been on medication for a long time, the dog clearly unwell. People quietly talking about him `doing the right thing` and not letting the dog suffer. Yes, he should have, long ago, but sad to see a grown man cry when the day actually came and the vet told him the dog had decided he`d had enough.

Dog love

The second owner loved her dog as a child substitute after being unable to carry her babies. This dog loved her and she him, but to the detriment of his health. Dishing up the same meals as she and her Husband had, but in smaller portions. The dog was obese and on the wrong diet, he struggled to breath at his biggest and couldn`t jump up like other dogs, and had the sweetest temperament.. Despite vets warnings and other people, she just couldn`t bare to deprive him and imagined he was `hungry.` Even in his last days and he was off his food she was hand feeding him chicken and steak, simply because she loved him.

Do the right thing for the dog

I had a friend years ago, her old dog had Cancer, he had been her companion before marriage and children, a reminder of her youth. She loved him. He became unwell with cancer, his face became disfigured and he was prescribed medication to ease his pain as she couldn`t bare to part with him. He eventually past while she was out and as he slept on her bed. It`s easy to pass judgement and say she should have `done the right thing by him` sooner, but love is never that easy.

Just a dog 3

I had three dogs at one time. One id only had four years, but he was such a faithful, loving old free spirit with a sad history that I loved him instantly when I met him. I felt sad when he was diagnosed with prostrate and anal cancer, (He`d not been castrated) I wanted him to have one last Christmas with my Son and I, and I made a big thing of getting him a doggy stocking etc. He did well over that period but went down hill not long after and I still question whether I should have done the right thing by him sooner. He was nineteen, a wonderful age for a beautiful spirit.

Just a dog 2

My Second dog had been on family holidays with us, she suffered terrible seperation anxiety but I loved her loving ways, such a gentle soul. She had had previous homes, but not sure how many as she had been found wandering the streets and taken to the Dogs Trust, and then put in the paper `Free to a good home` by the couple they homed her with, when I took her in. I then contacted the `Dogs Trust`  and they allowed me to keep her, she was then about 2/3yrs. In her old age she had three mini strokes, on the third I had her put down as she had become confused and disorientated. I changed Vets though after the way she was put down. She was a big dog, held down while she fought to get away and off the high table. To this day I wish Id just shouted `stop` and took her home, as she was so frightened in her last moments and I carry that guilt. She was fifteen.

June 2015 035

The last of my three is sixteen this year, her hearing and eyesight are now selective or bad. (depending on her mood, lol.) She`ll keep going as long as she still tries to the steal the cats food, wolfs down her own and has her `mad moments` in the evening when she races round in play. She`s a character, but no longer enjoys social gatherings, so she chooses to hide away. When she stops enjoying life, I will `do the right thing,` though it`s never the easiest choice.

Lhasa Apso to the moon and back

For every dog I have, it is teamwork, they give me companionship, joy, laughter and tears and in turn I try to give them a wonderful life where they only know kindness and love.

A dog

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In youth we learn; in age we understand. (Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach.)

May you have

I love my home, it`s light and airy, comfortable, newly decorated, has an ever open door policy to my friends and my Son`s friends, and has a relaxed atmosphere. My-Son

I love my Son. He`s smart, funny, affectionate and my proudest achievement, and we have travelled a rocky road to get were we are now.
Man cave

However, it`s not all plain sailing as we are basically two adults under the same roof, vying for leadership and with separate points of view and lifestyles. My Son sits in his `mancave` hours on end, surrounded by social and anti-social gadgets, IE: Mobile, homephone, X-Box, etc and there he`ll be in his comfort zone. Man-watching-TV

I pop round my Mum`s, where often is the case she`ll ask me to help her do things like her online shopping, etc, or if she`s hurt herself falling I will do her drinks and food. Some days it`s a short visit, others can be hours.

Other days I`ll be doing a helpline shift, (as I am whilst typing this too) and that keeps me grounded as I daren`t move far from the phone.

I see friends for lunch when we can and I love the change of scene and freedom of `Me` time.

I try and be sociable where I can and get out of the confines of my home.

I do have a home help once a week, she is worth her weight in gold and keeps me from chasing my tail, but I try and keep on top of my housework myself as I see it as good exercise and being productive.

Dishes & laundryOne of the biggest bug bears of mine though is, though my Son now keeps his room clean and tidy, (First started for his Gf) he`ll think nothing of bringing out his plates, cups and washing from his room and just leaving them. The fact that it`ll be his and his ex-Gfs washing up, and the fact he can`t rinse and re-use the same cup instead of getting clean, as does many a parent, drives me nuts!

washingup-global (2)

The piles of constant washing that is often clothes that id not long washed and still semi folded and clean but now overflowing from the washing box again.


Then there`s the post it notes on the fridge, in the hope that as things are cooked or made a sweep of the hand will magic away the crumbs or spillages usually left behind for the woodland animals to clean.


Then there`s going to the freezer to eat and finding yet another of my vege meals has been fed to his now vegetarian ex-girlfriend. Not funny when there`s only MY money coming in and his ex is now staying more nights in the hope of sorting out their broken relationship. Vege quote

However the post it notes fall off the fridge and seem to be a blind spot whilst opening the fridge door while bacon is on his mind.


As is the growing trend in the UK my Son is not alone at still living at home in his early 20s, for various reasons many still are; unemployment, low wages, Being a student, Student depts from University, property prices too high, Private rents too high, it isn`t easy for the young to fly anymore.

Living with parents

Mummy`s boys

My Son is no exception, although his circumstances are slightly different in some respects. Having a disabled parent who doesn`t drive, and a work shy, absent parent means that unlike many of his friends he hasn`t had the luxury of a parent driving him around for job interviews, or to and from work or helping financially. Having a Mother not originally from the area, and with only two other female family members nearby also has meant he doesn`t have that luxury of `It`s not what you know, but who you know,` unlike some of his friends who have got jobs through their parents network. The bus times in rural areas are ridiculous, starting at 7:30 and stopping at 18:30, not conducive to work hours, especially when you live seven miles from the town.


I`m not saying that he doesn`t lack motivation, because he could try harder and have a lot more self belief. A lot of if it is just that, his own mind is his biggest hurdle. When he was doing his apprenticeship, he enjoyed it, once he was there, and it was good to see his enthusiasm and pride at his achievements. That didn`t stop him throwing up every morning though before he left for the bus; Id lay in bed listening to him in the bathroom and his anxiety running him ragged before he was even out of the door.

Social anxiety

My Son, since stopping contact with his abusive Father in his early teens has had trouble sleeping, and still has a lamp on at night, and I`ll often be woken by his nocturnal wanderings. While he was doing his apprenticeship though, he maintained early nights to be able to get up on time, but now he is back to sleepless nights and late mornings. Anxiety & sleep

He recently broke up with his long term Girlfriend, though they remain in contact and seeing each other, (As mentioned earlier) possibly to work things out. Disappointingly though just prior he had been upbeat and getting up early, only for the stuffing to be knocked out of him again.


We had a short chat, (they`re always short or he gets defensive and angry) about his situation,  he said that he wants to get sorted out, but feels everything`s against him, then when he gets close he gets anxious and quits. I suggested counselling as I feel a lot stems from his childhood, but he saw that as not what men do. (A common misconception amongst men.)Sharks

When my Son was a child I was repeatedly told my Son couldn`t be Dyslexic as he enjoyed reading, and so it was never properly looked into. He was late for lessons, was a nightmare to get to school at all for years, and was `disruptive.` He would be sent home for days as punishment, though it`s what he wanted.  He put homework in hedges on the way home, and despite being a mine of knowledge at history and other subjects verbally, he didn`t do well in his exams.


My Son has no need to pretend any more, and yet still writes in large, untidy writing and needs help to fill in forms as he misunderstands what is written and gets frustrated when he gets it wrong.


I do worry that the combination of his Father`s abuse, both verbally, emotionally and physically and my own anxiety, panic attacks and agorophobia has left a very real mark on our Son. It`s a guilt that I carry with me whenever I watch him struggle.

What they see

Yes, he can be argumentative, arrogant, has all the answers but no life experience, but we all wear a mask to show the world don`t we? What`s behind a smile

  On the helpline I listen and help no end of people with their anxieties, then I have all the answers and often show them the right direction to go to get more help and am praised for going that extra mile, but when it comes to helping those nearest to you, then often you can`t help because they don`t want it. find-a-role-model

What he needs is a role model, someone to take him under their wing and guide him through the maze, but I suspect he`s too old for that now sadly.





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